Realizations

Wow didn't realize first off that it had been that long since I had blogged...man I am a slacker...well only at blogging. :) Well looks like the last time I posted a weight I was at 219 so as of last week's weigh in I was at 178 so that is 41lbs since December and the least I have weighed since living in Vegas or in awhile for that matter. I workout very regularly now and have even started going on some of the days that I work which use to be completely unheard of. I however have had a very interesting few days with a range of emotions and felt that I needed to blog and share even though I have been keeping the numbers a secret and only posting references to my workouts on my FB page. So Monday at work I began to have some tightness in my chest and shortness of breath and decided to have my first aid check my blood pressure though in my heart of hearts I knew it was not going to be a problem. (though Rebecca would never let me hear the end of it if it wasn't the first thing I checked...lol) Of course as soon as she checked it she said it was perfect but that my heart rate was slightly elevated and wanted to know if I was stressed about anything. I told her I was a little stressed but not too bad, which was completely true, who the heck does have a little stress now and then. The strange thing was as soon as she asked me that I had to immediately fight back tears. All day long I was a freaking emotional roller coaster from hell trying hard to hold it together and get through the day. (needless to say I was having my first ever anxiety attack) I of course was misdirecting my emotions towards stressing about something completely unrelated to what was really going on which I would finally get with some soul searching and reflection. I however for several hours drove myself completely insane with my lovely Taurus analytical style mind and my need to mentally flow chart every single thing out in my brain. I figured maybe I just needed a good cry and I would go home watch something sad and ball my eyes out and poof all better....oh if only things could be that freaking simple huh? Well of course as soon as I got home where I was free to cry and cry until my eyes fell out....nothing....nada...ugh...WTF!?! Finally my friend Karen called and talking to her allowed some release to come. A little later I went to sleep upon awakening I had some clarity in my head. My weight issues have ALWAYS been an emotional thing. Even though I have worked through the emotional eating that doesn't mean the emotional part is over by any means. I am finding that there are things I have buried and stuff deep down inside in order to not deal with them in hopes that they would disappear. So as I stuffed food down my throat to bury these emotions all I did was create this big cushy security blanket of fat on my body and create a time bomb to have to deal with later. I can't even say that I truly know exactly what these things are that my body is harboring with the exception that they are fear, anger and sadness. The problem that I have always had is I always wanna but what I am realizing is that I have to acknowledge the feelings, accept them, and then let them go. The longer I try to figure out "why?" which honestly I may never figure out the longer I hold one to the negative emotions as well. As crazy and erratic as I have felt the last few days I am finally getting back to a place of peace. I had my friend do a chakra assessment on me the same day I had my anxiety attack and all my chakras were closed accept my crown chakra which is completely unusual for me, I even began to cry as she was doing it which it so insane for me. I'm going in tomorrow to get a chakra balancing and some energy work as well. I'm trying to get myself grounded again and enjoy this process because in the end this has to be healed to otherwise the physical weight will just reappear as well. All through school I was so jealous when my classmates would have an emotional release during a session and always wanted to have one....something tells me I may remember that phrase be careful what you wish for...lol. Bring it on I am thankful for all of these emotions I am going through including pain because it is all a path to my healing. Thank you guys for all of your support on this journey.

“The key to change... is to let go of fear.” - Rosanne Cash